My recent coaching sessions with @myceliummage on āthe shape of speechā and ānarrative adjustmentā have released a lot of energy concerned with to seeking the feminine, nurturing the feminine, and attracting the feminine.
I want to preface this disquisition by stating: Iām under no illusion that I require any of these womenās āpermissionā to move forward, heal myself, or set things right. What you put onto me is mine to alchemize, and what I put on to you is yours to alchemize.
That said, I havenāt visited this area of the time-space-energy continuum in a while, and I feel liberated to inhabit it. The cosmic laws work through me whether or not Iām ready, and at this moment, I am commanded to release bondage in this particular way.
First, to Ellie: our first kiss was electric; hiding in the shadows on the porch; rain pouring down around us. I know you wanted to go way further. The prospect of getting physical so quickly with you was overwhelming. I was not ready for that. I would have stated that clearly if I had known how. Iām sorry couldnāt. I have a hunch thatās probably why you went berserk your first year in college. A woman scorned by her first love will fuck a string of men just to get revenge. Last I heard, you were headed to Florida with your boyfriend.
To Sumedha: Iām sorry I called you a bitch, especially behind your back. Both you and Sangeetha. That was cruel. I really meant it, too, which shows you ugly I am capable of being. I couldnāt handle all the stories you kept narrating about your promiscuity. I could have stopped you from telling me, but I didnāt. Your mom told me youāve been committed to your hunk of an Italian superstar since college. Good for you.
To Sami: I didnāt have to treat you so badly. You probably werenāt prepared to hear the squalid details of the blowjob Ashley gave me in backseat of my car. I asked her just to get revenge on you. You kept sharing with me how you and Mico touched each other, and it burned me up inside. Mostly because I wanted him to touch me the same way he touched you. That wasnāt your fault, though. Iām sorry that I thought it was.
To Alyssa: this one hurts the most. You were the one who had the courage to tell me directly how I hurt you. I told you that you could look up to me, and you believed it. I drank too much alcohol and insisted that you worship me. And, then, when you decided you had enough, I tried to sabotage you through our mutual friends. You didnāt pull any punches, did you? Asked to never talk to me again. Straight and direct. Now you know never to let yourself become that powerless.
To Dara: thank you for icing me out. That day when cursed me out in the loft in front of everyone else was unlike anything else. I was a potted plant, thrown against the wall, my previous shell smashed to bits, roots all mangled up. Did you ever end up marrying your musical virtuoso of a Jewish boyfriend? Your stinging rejection set me on a fiery path.
To Caitlyn: you probably donāt remember me, right? We were sitting in a downstairs bar. Snowy night. You were high as a kite. I consoled you for hours. I went to hug you. You pushed me away, almost knocked me to the ground. I thought I might choke with consternation. Thank you for showing me what it means to be shoved away. Itās given me a depth I wouldnāt have found elsewhere.
I did the best with what I was given at the time. I know better now.