What If I Stopped Manipulating You?
Or do you want me to remain devious?
If you don’t give people the opportunity to get what they want from you by asking for it, then you’re basically inviting yourself to manipulated. I’m really good at manipulation; especially, emotional manipulation. However, I also value truth, and I would like to live in a world where I can live in integrity more often.
Desires (i.e., the basis of life) are self-justifying; if examined closely, one realizes how little control one has over what it is that one truly wants. Given this, if I want something from you, there are only a couple ways things play out.
I want X. You give me X.
(Excellent) If you are happy to provide X, then things are pretty great. Until you aren’t happy to anymore.
(Callousness) If you are not happy to provide X, you will be resentful. If I don’t care about you that much, your resentment won’t bother me, and I won’t do anything about it.
(Negotiation) If I do care, I might try to offer you Y to assuage you. Depending on how generous I am, Y might be big or small.
This type of negotiation can go on for a long time – even multiple lifetimes – as long as we choose to engage.
I want X. You don’t give me X.
(Trying Elsewhere) I will search for it elsewhere. If you’re okay with that, then things are okay.
At some point, if literally nobody wants to give me X, then I might have to give up. If I’m committed enough – or just insane – I might try to will X into existence. That could be an interesting project.
(Manipulation) If you’re not okay with it … then … well, this is where the problems start. This is where all the icky stuff – for example, moralism – begins to creep in.
I try to convince myself X is not important.
(Delusion) This will basically always fail. Because, again, if it works, then I didn’t want X. I may have wanted X because it gets me to Y, but then I would be better served just pursuing Y.
As you can see, there are basically only two healthy options in that dropdown menu. Perhaps negotiation can be healthy, but in my experience, it much more often comes from a place of desperation than self-regard.
Me: “I want you to pay me more, but since you aren’t I’m going to try to find employment elsewhere.”
You: “You’re an unloyal, ungrateful piece of shit. Think about everything I’ve invested into you!”
Or: “You’re giving up a hugely prestigious position. You’re not going to find anything more respectable!”
Do you see how you’re not giving me the option to be honest?
Me: “I’d like to have more and better sex, and you’re just not cutting it, even after a while”
You: “You animal! Why are you so disgusting? You’re never respected me.”
Or: “Don’t you feel any love for me? I can’t believe all you care about is sex.”
Now, not only do I have to unentangle myself from this situation, I have to come up with some hokum to satisfy your weird hangups about a story you’ve made about me, that I never even participated in writing.
If I love myself enough, I might take this as an opportunity to entertain myself in the process of offering you sweet nothings. In the most wholesome of circumstances, this is basically what flirting is. The game is: how can I infuse the rubbish I’m about to share with you with as much meaning as possible to make you feel special?
“Yo, bossman, I’m probably an idiot. I’ll probably coming crawling back to you for mercy, but wouldn’t it be hilarious if I hit the jackpot?”
“Nah, babe, don’t take it so personally. You’re so beautiful, I’m just not right for you. You’re going to find the perfect prince, and I’m getting out of the way to make space for him.”
But, maybe I don’t have the energy, skill, or patience to cater to your random preoccupations and enjoy it; or maybe I'm just not self-aware enough to realize I there is only one strategy left to pursue. Either way, congratulations – you’ve just produced a manipulator.
Why is manipulation the only path left?
By being callous, I will shut you down. Unless you are so thoroughly lacking in self-esteem that you fold at the slightest provocation. If that’s you, please get help; I mean that sincerely; you don’t deserve to be abused. Most people have enough self-respect to walk away from outright callousness.
Negotiation, as I mentioned before, comes from a place of weakness. Ironically, by taking this sort of defensive posture, I am inviting you to to become callous toward me as way of maintaining the status quo. You can already sense my lack of will.
Trying elsewhere, if I don’t actually harness my testicles to properly break free of the prison, ends up looking like quiet quitting. Or, if I’m too far gone, delusion.
Thus, since I’m still holding out hope that you will give me X, I have resigned myself to manipulating it out of you.
And, this the water we all find ourselves swimming in. What will it take to swim to shore? Or is just preferable to drown at this point?
May I actually ask for what I want? Or shall we continue to dance to this psychotic beat for as long as we both shall live?