"There is nothing that substitutes for decades of mastery, at minimum, in whatever context, and I simply don’t have it. I’m not sure I get the chance to stride forward toward who I crave to be, in a way that can make up for lost time."
"... a farfetched dream that I would grow up to be the most exalted example of modern, assimilated Dravidian Hinduism in the West: a final proof that I am decent, worthy, and valuable.
In hindsight, as an elite-level technical project manager, I can confidently tell you that this is a terrible aspiration to harbor because there are no metrics that one can use to assess when or where it has been successfully attained. The best way to ensure you never reach your ambitions is to permanently keep your goals vague and unspecified."
Speaking as a fellow shit sitting in the sewage treatment tank after floating down the gifted child to tortured adult pipeline, have you started breaking down who you want to be into a series of objective and actionable short term milestones?
Also feel compelled to mention that making up for lost time is a useless distraction. Comparing yourself to an unknowable, made-up counterfactual (or the lives of people who aren't you) and then feeling bad about it is pure impotence.
> a fellow shit sitting in the sewage treatment tank after floating down the gifted child to tortured adult pipeline
ha :) the interesting thing is that i resisted being pushed down that pipeline in so many ways, and still ended up walking it despite kicking and screaming. a healthier thing to do would have been to embrace it a little more, and cultivate a sense of freedom alongside the useless pressures. instead of burning everything to the ground.
> have you started breaking down who you want to be into a series of objective and actionable short term milestones
i have goals that i want to pursue, but if there is anything i've clearly learned, it's that an achievement-based sense of self leads to disaster. i do struggle with objectivity though.
> making up for lost time is a useless distraction. Comparing yourself to an unknowable, made-up counterfactual (or the lives of people who aren't you) and then feeling bad about it is pure impotence
sure, if one makes an identity out of it, or does it for self-pity reasons. but i'm not going to engage in denial about being a failure in real and important ways. disappointment and envy exist, whether i wish they would or not, they contain important information.
I recently learned to dislike the urgency instilled by the construction of "making up for lost time." It makes me start worrying about whether it's possible, and whether I'm taking the best actions to increase my chances of future success, instead of simply doing right by the present moment. I get a lot more done when I stop worrying about getting everything done. Whether my modest pile of triumphs ever adds up to a coherent and ego-affirming narrative identity is something I'm grateful to have relinquished concern for.
Perhaps it's a matter of threading the needle in the formation of identity. Not having one's identity be based on ones's achievements, but not denying the negative emotions of one's failures. Instead of *being* a failure, one *has failed* at a finite group of particular tasks; some of which have enduring importance, some which one used to care about but don't anymore, and some which used to be unimportant but have grown in importance through the course of time. The presence of failure is inevitable. It's more fun if we can learn from it, and the lessons can be very unexpected sometimes.
Thank you for putting this much care, soul, and structure into something so personal. Truly one of your strongest pieces.
"There is nothing that substitutes for decades of mastery, at minimum, in whatever context, and I simply don’t have it. I’m not sure I get the chance to stride forward toward who I crave to be, in a way that can make up for lost time."
"... a farfetched dream that I would grow up to be the most exalted example of modern, assimilated Dravidian Hinduism in the West: a final proof that I am decent, worthy, and valuable.
In hindsight, as an elite-level technical project manager, I can confidently tell you that this is a terrible aspiration to harbor because there are no metrics that one can use to assess when or where it has been successfully attained. The best way to ensure you never reach your ambitions is to permanently keep your goals vague and unspecified."
Speaking as a fellow shit sitting in the sewage treatment tank after floating down the gifted child to tortured adult pipeline, have you started breaking down who you want to be into a series of objective and actionable short term milestones?
Also feel compelled to mention that making up for lost time is a useless distraction. Comparing yourself to an unknowable, made-up counterfactual (or the lives of people who aren't you) and then feeling bad about it is pure impotence.
> a fellow shit sitting in the sewage treatment tank after floating down the gifted child to tortured adult pipeline
ha :) the interesting thing is that i resisted being pushed down that pipeline in so many ways, and still ended up walking it despite kicking and screaming. a healthier thing to do would have been to embrace it a little more, and cultivate a sense of freedom alongside the useless pressures. instead of burning everything to the ground.
> have you started breaking down who you want to be into a series of objective and actionable short term milestones
i have goals that i want to pursue, but if there is anything i've clearly learned, it's that an achievement-based sense of self leads to disaster. i do struggle with objectivity though.
> making up for lost time is a useless distraction. Comparing yourself to an unknowable, made-up counterfactual (or the lives of people who aren't you) and then feeling bad about it is pure impotence
sure, if one makes an identity out of it, or does it for self-pity reasons. but i'm not going to engage in denial about being a failure in real and important ways. disappointment and envy exist, whether i wish they would or not, they contain important information.
I recently learned to dislike the urgency instilled by the construction of "making up for lost time." It makes me start worrying about whether it's possible, and whether I'm taking the best actions to increase my chances of future success, instead of simply doing right by the present moment. I get a lot more done when I stop worrying about getting everything done. Whether my modest pile of triumphs ever adds up to a coherent and ego-affirming narrative identity is something I'm grateful to have relinquished concern for.
Perhaps it's a matter of threading the needle in the formation of identity. Not having one's identity be based on ones's achievements, but not denying the negative emotions of one's failures. Instead of *being* a failure, one *has failed* at a finite group of particular tasks; some of which have enduring importance, some which one used to care about but don't anymore, and some which used to be unimportant but have grown in importance through the course of time. The presence of failure is inevitable. It's more fun if we can learn from it, and the lessons can be very unexpected sometimes.
Proofread: It’s _sewing_ scraps together, not _sowing_.
Thanks!, fixed.
This is an exceptionally pure piece.