Many interesting thoughts here. Especially the concept of building a team.
I’ve realized something about teams recently. There are different kinds of teams, obviously, but an important part of masculine team building lies in a certain kind of ignorance or impersonality. These teams function because everyone is able to perform a particular role rather than bringing their “whole self”. Thus, they don’t really have to know each other, they just know the roles. It’s an important skill to be able to step into a role on such a team and change your shape to fit the role without requiring anyone to know you as a person. Communities need such teams just as much as they need “thick” relationships.
My life would be significantly easier to navigate if there was a solid dichotomy between 'share your whole self' and 'just show up as a specific role'. The fact that it is a lot more of a fuzzy spectrum causes a lot of issues, and people who don't respect the potentially destructive nature of their curiosity end up poking at doors that lead to chasms.
This happens even in 'masculine' spaces. After a while, other guys want to get to know you, in some form, and 95% of them wouldn't (or are unwilling to) grasp your answer, if you were to be forward. This is the worst, because not only do you have to disclose a partial self, but it has to be 'fakely polite' enough to deflect their curiosity indefinitely.
One can also get really good at changing subjects, or redirecting into jokes or banter; I have done both. After a while, they might start to mistrust your persistent indirection and think you're weird: "Why doesn't he want to talk about X? That's suspicious."
And, sometimes, when it gets to a certain point, there's not often a good way to say, "Mind your own fucking business, you dipshit, if you knew what was good for you, you wouldn't start prying the way you're trying to." (Well, actually, I haven't ever tried to say that, maybe I could and it would work wonders.)
This is a great point. I think it helps to have some fallback positions. It's one reason to develop an interest in sports. It's a reliable way to keep a conversation at a proper distance. For a long time it was a mystery to me why everyone didn't go around pondering life's deepest questions all the time and sharing their journey. One of the roles of church it is provide a space for people to do this that is hidden. There is a certain kind of traditional lifestyle based around sports and religion, and it kind of makes sense to me now as a nice way to keep things compartmentalized. Smart people tend to reject both of them, and this makes it more difficult to keep relationships sorted.
This is a strong example of a gratitude exercise we should all be doing more of... Thank you for sharing, and I'm honored to be a part of your growing team. #goteam
Many interesting thoughts here. Especially the concept of building a team.
I’ve realized something about teams recently. There are different kinds of teams, obviously, but an important part of masculine team building lies in a certain kind of ignorance or impersonality. These teams function because everyone is able to perform a particular role rather than bringing their “whole self”. Thus, they don’t really have to know each other, they just know the roles. It’s an important skill to be able to step into a role on such a team and change your shape to fit the role without requiring anyone to know you as a person. Communities need such teams just as much as they need “thick” relationships.
My life would be significantly easier to navigate if there was a solid dichotomy between 'share your whole self' and 'just show up as a specific role'. The fact that it is a lot more of a fuzzy spectrum causes a lot of issues, and people who don't respect the potentially destructive nature of their curiosity end up poking at doors that lead to chasms.
This happens even in 'masculine' spaces. After a while, other guys want to get to know you, in some form, and 95% of them wouldn't (or are unwilling to) grasp your answer, if you were to be forward. This is the worst, because not only do you have to disclose a partial self, but it has to be 'fakely polite' enough to deflect their curiosity indefinitely.
One can also get really good at changing subjects, or redirecting into jokes or banter; I have done both. After a while, they might start to mistrust your persistent indirection and think you're weird: "Why doesn't he want to talk about X? That's suspicious."
And, sometimes, when it gets to a certain point, there's not often a good way to say, "Mind your own fucking business, you dipshit, if you knew what was good for you, you wouldn't start prying the way you're trying to." (Well, actually, I haven't ever tried to say that, maybe I could and it would work wonders.)
This is a great point. I think it helps to have some fallback positions. It's one reason to develop an interest in sports. It's a reliable way to keep a conversation at a proper distance. For a long time it was a mystery to me why everyone didn't go around pondering life's deepest questions all the time and sharing their journey. One of the roles of church it is provide a space for people to do this that is hidden. There is a certain kind of traditional lifestyle based around sports and religion, and it kind of makes sense to me now as a nice way to keep things compartmentalized. Smart people tend to reject both of them, and this makes it more difficult to keep relationships sorted.
This is a strong example of a gratitude exercise we should all be doing more of... Thank you for sharing, and I'm honored to be a part of your growing team. #goteam