My sister had suicidal thoughts for years before she eventually overdosed. She felt more burden than loneliness, I think.
Part of me believes that humans cannot properly deal with the thought of our own death, so we ought to place it behind a sacred veil and never approach it until we are ready to pass through...when we no longer have anything to give.
It’s clear to me that you have much more to give.
Sorry to add to this, but I don't think these are the only sources. There is also when you look around and think, "I have seen a lot of shit, I am working hard to make life work, and I have found a shitload of solutions.... and the fact is, carrying on is just is not worth the extraordinary trouble."
Yeah, that is a big source of suicidal ideation for me. What is the point of solving all these things and having a capacity to take on these challenges successfully? There is never any worthwhile payoff.
Thwarted belongingness might mean two different things. I feel fucking lonely all the time. But as long as one parent was alive, I owed them to stay alive. To not break their hearts. Basically preparing for suicide would make me feel so guilty. By the time my mom died, I already had a child, so now I owe my child to stay alive. You are from a high-fertility cultures so probably you have siblings, I don't. So for example even though I visited by mother only five times a year and thus it did not help with loneliness, I stilled owed it to her to not break her heart. To not make her life retroactively meaningless as not much happened in my parent's life but work and me.
I am not well set for talk therapy (extremely silent) and medication did not work. But I remember that when I was young, 4x 1.5 hours body building per week really helped with my mental health. I will try that once the heat wave is over. If it does not work? There is always booze or pot or something. The proverbial hookers and cocaine. Slow suicide is better than fast suicide at least.
BTW I am not sure Vipassana is preparing for death, but I know the Buddhist version of it, which wants to achieve the mind recognizing its space-like nature, and Buddhism has an interesting tendency to interpret Hindu Sanskrit terms very differently than Hinduism. Karma, puja etc. lol I think a Hindu talking with a Buddhist must be like a Jew talking to a Christian: "What! The Messiah is supposed to be a non-divine warrior king! You got it entirely wrong." lol
I resonate with having similar scores on the scales... being lonely as a result of being so different is hard. I think it's worth the struggle, for the long haul, to look for your people, so that your gifts to the world can be felt and pass through you. Living in the middle of nowhere probably doesn't help.
I'm hoping you find a greater sense of belonging, Rajeev.
Well, I'm not sure I know how to answer that question. My guess is maybe, but probably not. I don't think it is possible to separate out different factors like that. Also, I seem to have better mental health than a plurality of my peers, despite suffering regularly from suicidal ideation for a long time. They are able to mask theirs through socially acceptable addictions, whereas I am not.
And, despite my sufferings, I've been able to accomplish as much externally as many of them, and often more (mostly while miserable). That makes for a whole other set of problems that probably contribute to my depression – namely, it means I can't trust most external systems of value or authority to orient me toward what is pleasant and good for me.
My sister had suicidal thoughts for years before she eventually overdosed. She felt more burden than loneliness, I think.
Part of me believes that humans cannot properly deal with the thought of our own death, so we ought to place it behind a sacred veil and never approach it until we are ready to pass through...when we no longer have anything to give.
It’s clear to me that you have much more to give.
Thanks, friend, that means a lot. Sorry to hear about your sister.
Sorry to add to this, but I don't think these are the only sources. There is also when you look around and think, "I have seen a lot of shit, I am working hard to make life work, and I have found a shitload of solutions.... and the fact is, carrying on is just is not worth the extraordinary trouble."
Arguably, this may be the hardest one to solve.
Yeah, that is a big source of suicidal ideation for me. What is the point of solving all these things and having a capacity to take on these challenges successfully? There is never any worthwhile payoff.
I wonder what one does.
If anyone knows, I hope they will share.
Thwarted belongingness might mean two different things. I feel fucking lonely all the time. But as long as one parent was alive, I owed them to stay alive. To not break their hearts. Basically preparing for suicide would make me feel so guilty. By the time my mom died, I already had a child, so now I owe my child to stay alive. You are from a high-fertility cultures so probably you have siblings, I don't. So for example even though I visited by mother only five times a year and thus it did not help with loneliness, I stilled owed it to her to not break her heart. To not make her life retroactively meaningless as not much happened in my parent's life but work and me.
I am not well set for talk therapy (extremely silent) and medication did not work. But I remember that when I was young, 4x 1.5 hours body building per week really helped with my mental health. I will try that once the heat wave is over. If it does not work? There is always booze or pot or something. The proverbial hookers and cocaine. Slow suicide is better than fast suicide at least.
BTW I am not sure Vipassana is preparing for death, but I know the Buddhist version of it, which wants to achieve the mind recognizing its space-like nature, and Buddhism has an interesting tendency to interpret Hindu Sanskrit terms very differently than Hinduism. Karma, puja etc. lol I think a Hindu talking with a Buddhist must be like a Jew talking to a Christian: "What! The Messiah is supposed to be a non-divine warrior king! You got it entirely wrong." lol
I'm glad you survived and are building a life worth living.
> building a life worth living
I'm not sure that is true, given I am still regularly deeply suicidal, but thanks for the token of support.
https://substack.com/@cactusbrahmin/note/c-66521944?r=7y5fh
I resonate with having similar scores on the scales... being lonely as a result of being so different is hard. I think it's worth the struggle, for the long haul, to look for your people, so that your gifts to the world can be felt and pass through you. Living in the middle of nowhere probably doesn't help.
I'm hoping you find a greater sense of belonging, Rajeev.
Underrated Solution: Gardening (specifically growing things)
Question: do you think that if you were heterosexual you would have better mental health?
Well, I'm not sure I know how to answer that question. My guess is maybe, but probably not. I don't think it is possible to separate out different factors like that. Also, I seem to have better mental health than a plurality of my peers, despite suffering regularly from suicidal ideation for a long time. They are able to mask theirs through socially acceptable addictions, whereas I am not.
And, despite my sufferings, I've been able to accomplish as much externally as many of them, and often more (mostly while miserable). That makes for a whole other set of problems that probably contribute to my depression – namely, it means I can't trust most external systems of value or authority to orient me toward what is pleasant and good for me.